years it has been believed that electric light bulbs emitted light.
However, after much experimentation I can now reveal the truth.
Electric light bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. In future we
should therefore refer to these as "dark suckers". As I show below, the
Dark Sucker theory proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass
greater than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The fundamental precept in Dark Sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. As an example, examine closely the dark suckers in the room around you. Note that there is less dark right next to them with respect to the remainder of the room. If you look under desks, tables or chairs there is a lot of dark. This dark has not yet been sucked into the bulb. If you move the desk, you will find that the bulb has a clear path through which to suck the dark and the floor is now much lighter.
In fact, the larger the dark sucker, the greater is its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a car park have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in your room. At the Sydney Cricket Ground the huge dark suckers are so powerful that it seems almost as light as day. However there is a penalty to be paid. The side that bats second always has a harder job because the dark suckers remove some of the heat causing the temperature to drop. This also creates a wind that causes the ball to behave unpredictably and the crowd to get blind drunk.
As with all things, dark suckers can't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. If you take the trouble to investigate a light bulb that has stopped working you will find that it is full of dark. The ends of old fluorescent light tubes gradually get blacker, the examples are many.
I have also discovered that the phenomenon displayed by the electric light bulb is also common to the humble candle. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black because it was in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, such primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these cannot handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit becomes full, it must either be emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can be operated again.
I have also discovered that dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is unwise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in a solid wick instead of through glass. Thus, it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.
Because of this mass, dark is heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper in the ocean, you will notice it gets darker. If you keep swimming you will eventually be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks toward the bottom, while the lighter light floats to the top. Fish have long been aware of this and avoid the deeper regions of the sea. However, as in all things there are exceptions. Those fish that do venture to the lower depths often carry their own dark suckers. These serve two purposes, the first is to allow them to see short distances, the other is the ballast effect. The dark at the bottom of the ocean is so heavy that when it is sucked in by the fish, it enables them to stay down without expending excess energy. If this were not the case, the fish would float to the top.
My research on this topic is not yet complete. I have a number of very important questions that must be adequately answered before the Dark Sucker theory can be considered complete.
One of the questions is on the relationship between electric light bulbs and hydro-electric power. I have noticed that the large bodies of water that provide the power for the turbines are very dark. I assume that is because all the dark that has been sucked by electric light bulbs travels along electric wires into the turbines and is extracted from the wires and put into the water of the reservoir. I have also observed that the water that escapes the turbines is always very white. This means that the turbine somehow traps the dark behind the dam and only clean fresh water is allowed into the river. What should worry conservationists is, what is going to happen to Tasmania? Will Tasmania become the dark dumping ground of Australia? (Do we care if it does?)
Other, more important, questions threaten the very basics of our understanding of the universe. Is the sun a dark sucker? Are black holes, in fact, light suckers? Can light suckers be created here on earth in controlled laboratory conditions? Will they be safe and should they be licensed by the Festival of Light? Is there a dark sucker on the other side of the moon? How did Pink Floyd know this when they named their 70's album "The Dark Sucker of the Moon"? Are lasers a special form of coherent dark? Who knows - who cares?
Bernard Robertson-Dunn, May 2010